Hour to Hour

It's funny the ups and downs we experience just within a few hours.

Yesterday I ran a 5K in under 30 minutes for the first time.  3.13 miles in 30:00, a 9:35 pace.  It was a great feeling.

And hour and a half later I was reading a rejection letter from TCU's Nurse Anesthesia program. 

It's only been the focus of my life since August 2008.  So no, not really a big deal.

I don't know what else to say about that right now.

Back at work today feeling extremely trapped and demoralized.  This job is now a stepping stone to...well I don't know anymore.

Hope you're having a better day than me.

Backwards

So late last night, approaching midnight in fact, I couldn't sleep.  My wife was at work, the kids were in bed.  Not knowing what else to do, I started browsing Netflix, and ran across this movie, Backwards.  Not sure what it was that drew me in, but I clicked, and I watched.

The movie opens with Abi Brooks, played by Sarah Megan Thomas (who also wrote and produced the film!) in the midst of hard core training for the US Olympic Rowing team.  It's not a spoiler to let you know that she doesn't end up on the team.  She limps home with her tail between her legs, (well to home to her mom's house anyway), and spends some time wallowing in self pity.  When her mother (Margaret Colin) gives her an ultimatum to snap her back to reality, Abi ends up with the girl's crew coaching job at her old high school alma mater.  It's serendipitous that this position is open--after all she is a small celebrity at the school given her athletic exploits as a student.  Only the fact that her high school sweetheart Geoff, (played by James Van Der Beek), is now the Athletic Director and her new boss is more coincidental.  I think you can see where this is all going.  Don't let me spoil it for you, but romance, drama, and feel-good life-lessons ensue.

This isn't a fantastic movie.  As you can tell from the short synopsis above, it's awfully contrived.  And it's blatantly predictable.  It's also full of underdeveloped characters, and a myriad of plot lines sprout up, only to be resolved within a scene.  The movie's star (and writer and producer) is a terrible actress.  Research reveals that she does actually have some rowing experience in her background and it shows--to the detriment of the movie.  She revels in banging the viewer over the head with the fact that she knows her subject, and it actually comes off as clunky and trite.  The supporting cast is really the saving grace in the acting department--Van Der Beek and Colin are excellent.  Even more refreshing are the real-life student athletes cast as the high school rowing team members.

However, with all it's contrived predictability, all it's poor writing and acting, I sure did watch the whole dang thing.  And I was rooting for the HS girls rowing team.  And yes, even for Abi and Geoff to end up together.

So, if you're looking for a well written, well acted, thought provoking film...well, keep looking.  But in the end this wasn't a total waste of an hour and half, and I enjoyed it.  Even if I don't know why.

Peaceful

If only every day, every run could be so magnificently refreshing. 

Here in Texas, the summer heat finally broke with a day of rainstorms that beat back the dogs of summer on Friday.  This morning the temperature is 64* at 0440 when I roll out of bed and tug on my running shoes.

When I step out the front door, the cool northern breeze nearly takes my breath away as it tickles its cool tendrils against my skin.  An unexpected prickle of goosebumps flickers across my body.  I greedily suck in a deep breath of the marvelously cool air and set off down the street.

The morning is quiet save for the occasional breeze creaking the summer-dried cedar fences.  I pass and startle a possum who in turn gives me a baleful glare as it scurries away from the edge of the road.  As I turn onto the sidewalk of the more major cross street, a car approaches and has the courtesy to move to the inside lane as it passes.  And then I am alone with my run again.

Glancing back over my shoulder I spy Orion in the southwestern morning sky, and I'm sure he gives me a curt nod of approval.  As my patron constellation of unending endurance and perseverance as he chases his quarry relentlessly across the sky, I often look to the heavens for him.  During the winter months, he flashes by in the late evenings.  But during the summer months I only greet him when I rise before the sun itself to run.

Knee-high heads of grass gone to seed line the sidewalk on both sides, neglected and uncut, as I stride my way up the gradual hill that rises before me.  I skim the edges of the grass tunnel that opens in front of me, letting the tips brush lightly against my outside leg as I slip by, granted safe passage within the path the sentinel grass heads stand watch over.  I smile to myself because I know that I will be passing this way again soon and then it will be a gradual downhill and I'll be pushing the pace through to the end. 

A stray dog pants his hello as he marks time with me for a few strides before he jovially returns to his resting spot beneath a gnarled cedar tree, his pale blue eyes luminescent against his brown fur.  I'll see him again soon too.

Even the two sets of high voltage transmission lines I travel under are eerily silent this morning.  Normally in the heat they buzz and arc, chattering amongst themselves and making the hair on my legs and arms stand on end with their disapproving comments.

As I pass from the residential areas and approach a major city intersection with gas stations and strip malls, the first hints of the impending morning become apparent.  Delivery trucks idle roughly outside the convenience stores, laden with their bottled diabetes, waiting to refuel the mother-ship.  In & Out, Kwik Stop, Run In--they all have such purposeful names.

RunKeeper whispers in my ear, and I abruptly turn heel and head back towards home at the 2 mile mark.  I'm 100 feet short of the intersection, and I wonder why I didn't just travel to the junction before turning back.

I invite Mr. Blue-eyed-Brown Dog to breakfast as I pass by again.  And he smiles his toothy smile agreeably, but returns to wait patiently under his tree to witness what else will pass by his particular part of the universe.  Maybe he's waiting for a better offer.

I concentrate on keeping my cadence up on the downhills instead of falling into ragged lope.  I'm sure my pace is greatly increased with this strategy, but my perceived effort isn't any more than running uphill the other direction.  The downhills cease to be a chance to recover, and instead present as opportunities to bank pace.  Indeed looking at my splits, this is my fastest split by over :40 secs/mile.  I'm slowly learning to use my body to attack the run, rather than merely holding on for dear life, hoping to survive.  More than banking seconds toward my pace, I'm banking experience for my runs and races I've yet to attempt.

As I turn up the steeper hill towards my home, I glance at RunKeeper, and try to determine if I'll have to skirt the cul-de-sac halfway up the street to make sure I'll make 4 miles by my driveway.  The remaining distance before me seems much shorter than the distance left according to RunKeeper. I'm surprised to see that I turn over 4.01 miles as I coast into my driveway.  This disparity only highlights the fear and trepidation that--even now--holds me hostage.  The corner to my driveway is not far by sight.  0.15 miles remaining feels much farther.  But they are the same.  The difference is merely gazing at the goal rather than the work left to get there.

Inside again, I sit on the ottoman at the end of our bed, the fan blowing cool air over me.  I listen to the rhythmic breathing of my 7 year old daughter who came in last night in the fog of a nightmare.  Her insouciant breathing speaks to the safety she feels in our bed.  And I'm glad for that.

In fact, in this moment I'm...grateful.

It's hard for me to be content, sometimes, when I let the world dictate my demeanor.  But for now--this fleeting instant--I am peaceful.

And it all started with a run on a cool Autumn morning.

Here's the song that Pandora chose for me to contemplate to at the end of my run.  One of my (if not my absolute) favorite artists--Gregory Alan Isakov.  Hope you enjoy.

Interview

As alluded to in previous posts, I interviewed for the Nurse Anesthesia program at TCU yesterday.

I'm happy to report I feel like the interview went very well.  I was nervous to be sure, but conversation was light, and words flowed easily.  I felt at ease enough to take the time to consider each of the questions and answer thoughtfully.  Rapport with the interviewers was excellent and they were easy to talk with.

In comparing notes with other interviewees on a post-interview tour of the facilities I discovered I received no questions of a clinical nature.  Each of the other interviewees had at least one clinical question designed to test the breadth of their knowledge from each panel interview.  The questions I  heard weren't terribly difficult, but definitely would require solid clinical experience to answer.  In my mind, the fact that I didn't get any clinical questions could come from two possibilities.  A.)  They didn't think I was worth the effort--which I think I can rule out based on the fact that I am (on paper at least) well qualified for admission.  B.)  They were satisfied with the clinical experience I bring to the table.  (I'm hoping it's this one).  Or, I suppose C.)  I dazzled them with my rugged good looks and charming personality and distracted them from asking the clinical questions.  The Magic 8-ball doesn't seem to agree with answer C. though.

My every interaction with TCU has been fabulous.  They are a wonderful CRNA program with the backing of a great institution.  Not to mention every single person I've met from the program is so nice!  Plus I came home with a TCU umbrella, two Horned Frog keychains, a TCU pencil for my daughter (who has a pencil collection), and two nurse anesthesia stickers.  How is it an interview where I'm supposed to be selling me to them has better swag than the last 5k that I paid to run in!?  If I get in, I'm so there.

Before my interview yesterday afternoon, I headed to the gym for an easy recovery run to clear my head.  I did about 2 miles at an easy pace.  The first two thirds of the run I treated as a progression run--starting slow and then progressively getting faster every few minutes.   The last third I forced myself to decrease the pace incrementally until I reached my original pace for the last couple of minutes.  An exercise in self-control, but a perfect low stress workout pre-interview.

I had set a weight-loss goal of 240 lbs even by my interview date.  The day before the interview I weighed in at 240.4.  So while I didn't make my number (ssssooooo close!!) I'm counting it as a win.  Because 37.4 lbs gone is a win no matter what.

Regardless, if I did well enough in the interview I should be receiving an acceptance letter via e-mail Monday or Tuesday. 

I may or may not be holding my breath until then...

Simplicity

Photo Source

Two days ago I crashed awake at 4:30, shaken to the core by a truly awful and vivid dream.  So much so, I found myself reconsidering my choice of profession here in real life.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to work a job that didn't come with quite so high stakes.  A job where a simple mistake could quite realistically result in someone losing their life can wear heavily at times.

This uncertainty 2 days before I have an interview (today!!) for a graduate school program that will cost a significant amount of money, will consume a significant amount of my life, and will require significant sacrifice from those in my life.  It takes me much further down the path I am currently on, and the responsibility for others' lives will only be greater.  However, the result of successfully completing the program could be life altering for my family and me.

Faced with the enormity of it all, I knew that I wouldn't fall back to sleep.

I also knew that I would likely sit there and wallow in the stark negativity of my dream.

So I got up, got dressed and headed to the gym for a run.

By all accounts it wasn't a particularly enjoyable run.  I had a stitch in my side the whole way, regardless of how much I focused on form and breathing.  I couldn't easily find my headphones without waking anyone up before I left, so I was music-less.  There was a loud talker/laugher chattering away a few rows behind me during my entire run, with just the perfect grating edge in her too loud voice.  It took my legs a while to loosen up, and my muscles were not fans of having no breakfast before being required to perform.

Still.

That terrible run, was so, so much better than the alternative.

I crave the simplicity and clarity that running brings.  Life is as simple as the next mile, the next interval, the next step.  I covet the perspective a workout grants.  It was 3 miles of chances to evaluate myself, 30 minutes of time to recenter myself.  It was a welcome pause before I had to deal with whatever life was thrusting upon me.

It was an escape.

My day didn't get much better--in fact it only got worse.  A truly bad day regardless of the timing or impending potentially life altering events.

Clearly running is not a cure all.

But in the moment, mid-stride, I am free.

And things are so very simple.

Cleaning House

It's been no secret to those who read here that lately I've had a hard time plugging into the running blog community. It's something I hadn't experienced before when I had a blog about nursing. In fact, my experience has gotten worse and worse, until this morning when it all culminated in me blurting out in a comment that all this feels a lot like junior high all over again. And junior high was an awful time for me.

Within the space of making that comment it dawned on me that it doesn't have to be that way. It's a realization that could have been life-changing back in junior high.

So I came back to my own blog and edited my reading list. Several blogs that pretty much made me feel awful about running, myself, and the running blog community in general are now gone. Despite the fact they are immensely popular and apparently have a large, loyal following, in my opinion they just don't offer their readership much of anything of substance in the department of community.  And I usually left their sites feeling worse about myself than before I clicked in.

The best part of the whole thing is I'll quite likely never run into them around the blogger community because I haven't seen many of them take the time to interact with anyone outside of their own blogs.

It sounds so simple. And really it is.

Deceptively so.

But what I will tell you is that while trying to get noticed by the uber-popular queens of run-blogging, I've quietly run across some pretty amazing people.

For example, Katie from Jam Yesterday has been tremendously supportive. I really enjoy her blog because she is such a sweetly humble person that's genuinely wide-eyed with delight as she shatters goal after fitness goal that she's set for herself.

Or Megan at The Lyons' Share Wellness who keeps an insane schedule but still takes joy in--and makes time for--helping others reach their healthy potential while quietly and steadily practicing just what she preaches.

How about Jill from Run With Jill? If there's anyone out there entitled to an elitist air, it would be this amazing athlete. She may actually be some sort of intergalactic alien judging by her exploits as an athlete, but I have yet to meet anyone more down to earth. She is an absolute inspiration as an athlete and as a person.

If you're looking for blogs of substance written by genuine people, you can't go wrong with these, and many others from my reading list there in the sidebar.

If you're looking for a more trendy, superficial experience, you won't find their links here any longer.

5k Fail

Well crap.

The race started fine (aside from all the people who never intended to run who started at the front of the pack) and I settled into a steady pace pretty easily.  It was a little faster than I'd intended, at 11:10 rather than the 11:30 I'd planned.  But I felt ok, it was a cool morning 75* and there was a nice breeze that happened to be blowing just nicely.  The first part of the course was mostly downhill, with one small uphill in the middle.  By the time we hit the uphill portion, most of the people who'd gone out too fast stopped to walk, and were easy pickings.  It was here when we looped back towards the start that I saw the lead runners returning already--like 11 minutes in.  That should have been my first clue.

The second part of the course was relatively flat, and aside from being nearly taken out several times by a woman pushing a jogging stroller that kept leap frogging me after she had to stop to walk, I felt really good and I settled into a 10:30 pace.  The third portion of the course was a marked uphill/downhill, out and back dog leg that I was looking forward to.  I figured the hill would cause even more people to walk and I felt really strong and looking forward to attacking it, (thank you intervals!), and then the downhill was running directly into that blessed breeze.

Only, we never made it.

The volunteer course marshal turned us around at the point we should have headed out for the dogleg, and sent us back towards the start instead.  I argued with her for several seconds (having run the course several times) but she was not hearing it.

Realizing that it was going to be a very short course, I immediately attacked the pace, dropping below 10 minutes and pushing the less than a mile back to the start/finish.

Unofficial results put me running the entire course at a ridiculous 8:17 pace.  Too bad it was a lie.  In actuality it was 2.46 miles/10:32 pace.  Mile 1, 11:11; Mile 2, 10:31; Mile 3, 9:10.

I'm really kind of upset--when I got home and talked with my wife, my eyes welled up a bit.  It's a pretty big let down.  Grr!!  It was going so well!! And I felt so good.  And...and...

Waiting for my refund check from my prorated entry fee in the mail.

I won't hold my breath.

Edited to add:  Official results are in, and based on the numbers they've now corrected for the altered course distance.  Officially I ran a 10:34 pace.  Overall 192/514, 102/182 males, and 23/41 in my age group.